What is memory? What is the importance of memory? It’s certainly not the higher cognitive function that separates us from primates; for as studies show, they too, have memories. Some researchers interpret memory as that function which helps us to become more intelligent through a more structured, hierarchal methodology of information storage, allowing us to more quickly process the massive stream of input from our daily lives. Some believe memory to be nothing more than the necessary skill required to adapt to life and evolve through experience. Both are correct, and both are wrong. It is true, that what we are today, is a culmination of everything we’ve learned, both internally and externally. Some of us can retain information better than others, and some of us have trouble just trying to remember where we left our keys! Some of us find solace in reliving the events of our past, and some turn to chemical dependency to forget the past. Memories are both our doing and undoing. There’s an old analogy that we must keep in mind when considering what our memory means to us: you have to take the good with the bad. One does not exist without the other. For example, you would have no concept of sheer joy, if you did not understand absolute disappointment. Likewise, we must also remember that it’s not only about encompassing the entirety of our emotional state, but how we respond and react to those emotions that is a key definer in our lives. You could have no understanding of fear, if you did not understand its importance through experience. For example: If you had not felt the extreme warmth – or pain – of fire, you would not understand the fear of touching the stove. Finally, we must also remember that memory is not only governed from within, but without. It’s of no little consequence that we meet the people that we do in our lives. Every person, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, affects us in some manner. Whether it’s merely shaping our perception for the day (i.e. the inconsiderate driver who cuts us off and shortens our daily tolerance levels), or leaving a mark in our consciousness (such as the parent who has a phobia or tick that we too, develop), how we perceive them in our lives, no matter how large or small that may be, they do affect our very existence.

But, I’m afraid that it can become far more complex than just living a series of events – for each of us is unique – and so are our memories.

Memories are problematic. No matter how excellent your memory is, and regardless of how intelligent (or lack thereof), you may be, your perceptions will dramatically affect your memory. It’s no foreign concept to us that upon revisiting childhood residences, everything we “remember,” seems smaller. From the perspective of a ten year old, their closet may have seemed enormous at the time; while as an adult with a much larger wardrobe (albeit far fewer toys), we often find the available space to be frustratingly tiny. There are also other types of perception than just physical. There are perspectives based solely upon our feelings. For example, if we were in a fairly consistent state of feeling somewhat peaceful and happy, and a family member constantly went on tirades, we might have perceived that person to be “outrageous,” or overbearing and possibly even abusive. In retrospect, having grown up and joined the workforce in a blue collar position ourselves – under the command of an intolerable boss – we might be able to more easily understand that our parent was simply coming home, frustrated by the abuse they were taking and the constant state of fear they lived in, worrying about how they could feed their family, and simply venting their frustration and we were taking it personally. This very phenomenon is well documented in the psychological community.

Yet, it doesn’t end there. For what is a perception, if not a unique and individual interpretation of an event.

Not the facts.

What does this mean? This means that every one of us, at some point in time, are living with a “false,” memory. Perhaps it is nothing more than believing that you shouldn’t feed your child too much peanut butter and jelly because that’s all you received as a child and you grew to hate it, when in fact, you happened to have a minor allergy to peanut butter that went unchecked during your entire child hood and the ‘less than three times per month,’ pb&j that good ol’ mom put in your lunchbox stood out in your mind as a daily torment. False memories are a terrible problem for society. They involve psychological difficulties that have caused massive deterioration in the psyche of the whole of humanity. Worse, are the implantation of false memories, even by accident, stemming from the delusional attempt of psychologists to recover “repressed,” memories. This innocent, yet horrifically egregious act, has sent innocent men and women to prison, caused individuals to have mental breakdowns, torn apart families and even been the key force in suicide and murder. You don’t often hear these stories, because they are so outrageous, and so frightening - and sadly – without a reasonable and sound explanation, that the media intentionally avoids them. If you were told that 1 out of every 25 men in prison, convicted of raping their daughters 20 or 30 years ago were innocent and actually the victims of psychology’s feeble attempt at ‘recovering,’ repressed memories, you might be less inclined to seek psychological counseling, or view the inmates in a prison with the hatred and fear that the media so strives to encourage. In fact, you may even find fault with the justice system and demand your state legislature to start requiring absolute evidence in courtrooms. Of course, this would lead to a dismissal of more than 22% of EVERY case and be the cause for the release of tens of thousands of prisoners around the nation. So, the media feels it’s better NOT to tell you.

But, therein lies the social problem of memories – because lies, deceit, false perceptions, misleading information and incorrect interpretations from external sources will affect your memories, and thusly, your entire being. I can guarantee you that right now, [most of] you have a vivid memory of being told somewhere in your youth not to talk to strangers. It was repeated so often, and under such frightening circumstances (whether lived or implied), that the importance of this fact is burned into your psyche. So, why are children still the victims of psychologically deviant adults? Because, in more than 80% of all cases of extreme abuse: it is not a stranger – but a family member. While it’s important that we continue to teach our children the importance of not speaking to strangers, the misgivings we create for them, letting them believe in absolution, the security they will find in their own homes, has lead to a constant barrage of negative behavior toward unsuspecting young ones. Of course, that’s the ‘simplicity,’ of misperception and external input. The full complexity of this dilemma does not rear its ugly head until we reach adulthood. Recently, I found myself, for the third time, a minority in the perception of events which took place in my past. It was frustrating that I was outnumbered, because I was the oldest of three brothers, so why should I have any faith in their perception of the events and absolute certainty they have over how these events played out? I even have difficulty in accepting my own parental figure’s perception of these events, regardless of the correlation it has with my brothers’, for my perception is wildly different. And, then, something happened…

I began to question myself and see an entirely new memory.

The situation was this: I remember a pair of kittens that had been given to my family when I was just a child. I vividly remember one of the kittens was hit by a car. I even remember hearing about it at the home of my grandmother, believing in my mind that it was an accident by another member of the family (or so it was presumed at the time as that member of the family brought the dead animal in with them claiming they had found it at the edge of the driveway), and being told that as we did not have any validation of who struck the animal, we could not be certain of the truth and should not make speculations that would lead to unnecessary, hurt feelings. I can even vividly remember standing in my grandmother’s paved driveway, staring out at the edge of it and wondering where exactly it happened (in my mind, it was a mystery I wanted resolved for I felt very distraught at the animal’s passing). However, my family remembers the events in a completely different setting. They remember that we had moved out to a vineyard with a dirt road, when we first obtained the kittens. They remember the dead one being brought in by one of the Hispanic workers (or pointed out to them, at least) after it had been stuck (after having owned them only a short time). I don’t believe I was actually there when the kitten was brought into the house and we were informed of its death, as I was told about this, and have no mixed or confirmed memories either way. But, as I played out this event in my head, again and again, something strange happened. Now, when I remember back to looking out at the driveway to try and determine where and how the animal was killed, I see the unpaved road of the vineyard – not my grandmother’s house.

Wait a second – did that happen? Now I can clearly see BOTH memories, and my mind is in absolute turmoil. Which one is the correct one, for they both cannot be accurate? I know my brain has been attempting to resolve this, but as of yet, no such luck. On one hand, there is the absolute confirmation of my family members that their story is true and can be collaborated. On the other hand, I have my sound and vivid memory of this event; for it was a traumatic one in my mind and stands out. If they are correct – I am certifiably insane. Why? Because, it was by no external influence or other means that my mind resolved the memory to have taken place at the home of my grandmother. My psyche fabricated a memory on its own (or altered it, as the case may be); for whatever reason it decided to do so. But, why? What purpose did it serve to change the location? Did it ‘ease the pain?’ Or perhaps, was the event so obscure and unimportant that as I grew older, I simply forgot the details and my mind filled them in for me? Either way – if my family is correct – how many more memories of mine are wrong? How many memories of mine will I never be able to know the truth about simply because there is no one else to confirm the facts? Worried, I decided to see if I was alone in the world, to understand if the alteration of one’s memories by one’s own psyche was indeed, at all, unique. I’m not concerned about the memories which may be altered by a physical perception such as weight vs. height or size, but an alteration of an entire event based on an unknown and indeterminable factor.

I am not alone.

In fact, given my disability, I am in a worse position than every other person out there without a similar, neurological condition, to have a completely fabricated memory of my youth. In a research study published by John Merriman in Neurology Reviews, “Dreaming – An Altered State of Consciousness,” (2002), scientists had determined that through the more recent advances in research on narcolepsy and lucid dreaming, they were able to determine that the enhanced, emotional states of “wake” dreaming, could give way to false memories (see full research study for details). This is a phenomenon I am all too well aware of, for it’s the neurological condition with which I live. Oft times I must address members of my family, friends and colleagues and ask for confirmation on whether or not an event actually occurred. Without spending too much time detailing the science of lucid dreaming, I’ll shorten it to say that: distinguishing a lucid dream from the truth, can sometimes become a near impossible task – and that’s after 15 years of practice. Yet, I have never experienced a time during these states in which I completely relived an actual event that could give way to an alteration of the truth. And, yet, the altered memories I have are indeed, a very real problem that I must accept and deal with.

If we are the culmination of the events of our lives, then what are we when our memories are not what they seem? How do we begin to accept our own mortality – our own reality of existence – when it’s all a lie (or at least a portion of it – and what portion that is – we cannot know)?

In the article, Memory and the Misinformation Effect, (1997/2005), the author, Marica Sevelj, discusses the published accounts of the phenomenon of altered memories. This article, which has gone widely unnoticed or recognized in professional circles (to the best of my research), is perhaps one of the most profound and important statements on the cause of humanity’s current state of existence that can be found anywhere. Recent media personalities such as Glenn Beck have fought hard to bring to light the truth about our Founding fathers and some of the darker secrets of more recent Presidents whom we have apparently, ‘admired,’ as a nation, for the last 50 – 60 years. In fact, several radio personalities have begun to disclose their concerns over alterations by the government regarding books and historical “facts.” But, their recent revelations have not changed the fact that these alterations and modifications, falsifications of truth by the media, alterations of perception in our education and religion, have been occurring and have already affected us. What can we take from that? For starters, we can begin to understand why our nation – and even the world – has turned out the way it is today. I’m not trying to implicate that humanity is ‘bad,’ per se, just because our oceans are polluted to the point of near, absolute ecological destruction; our water table contains a myriad of poisons in it that have irreversibly altered our evolutional course; and we have bankrolled ourselves into a society of “technology-needy” people; I’m just saying that we are definitely at a point that is not as good as it could be.

But, is memory to blame?

If we perceive that our spending habits are good because the media enforces it (see previous blog on Capitalism vs. Free Enterprise), then perhaps, based on our perception, it is good because we have no reason to believe otherwise. But, if our spending habits and technology-needy society has reduced itself to a global, economic crisis and seems to be confused as to how it happened, pointing fingers in every direction and at every person they can find – then perhaps this altered perception – externally driven, is a serious problem. If we blindly have perceived justice to be well-established and run in an entirely highly moralistic fashion (whether through television’s influence or our own fear of questioning the system), and we feel justice is being well served, then perhaps it is. However, if there are innocent people sitting in prison; entire governmental agencies committing outrageous acts against the people and children (see previous blogs on DHS/CPS and Capitalism), and defending itself through the justice system and the fear mongering it enforces with threats of prison, then perhaps, things are much worse than they seem.

And, now I must ask the question about my own memory regarding the kitten: were my brothers’ memories influenced by a suggestion by our parent? Now, which one of these memories is accurate? How do I know? One of my parents can show documents legally filed by the other, validating facts which they themselves, had not realized to be true, and facts can begin to assert themselves accordingly. I can be shown documents I apparently created that I have no memory of creating, and facts can again, be worked out by the conscious and unconscious states of the mind and the truth be known. But, where there are no documents, no pictures and no facts – just like it would be in a court case with no ‘factual,’ evidence, only circumstantial evidence, we must either accept what we’re told as the truth, stick with our own version of the truth, or remain undecided. The trouble is – if we accept their version – then we have a neurological problem with our own memories and thusly, our very existence. If remain true to our own versions of the story, we will still have that lingering, small bit of doubt that will plague us constantly as we are still in contradiction with others. Yet, if we remain undecided, we have two memories – two possibilities in which both could be wrong – and the real difficulty in understanding our existence and how to interpret what we’re given on a daily basis, begins.

Look around you – go ahead – I’ll wait……. Seen enough? Now, remember what you saw: A computer, walls, paint, yourself, perhaps other co-workers or people you know? Perhaps you looked out a window at the sky, or maybe just the building next door that’s framed by your window. It’s both what you see, and what you didn’t see, that’s the problem. Think about the people around you, the ‘anxieties,’ developed, the economical conditions of our world and how we’re living. How can we perceive the truth about them if they are hiding their feelings? Think about the things you own and possess that affects your daily lives. That computer – wasn’t there 30 years ago. Your cell phone wasn’t there 20 years ago. The buildings and homes you see outside, or perhaps the skyline over an ecosystem that may appear to be thriving wildly but is in fact, severely hurting from the acts of humanity, are not what you grew up with, or at least, not what you were told about. Remember the Brontosaurus? The peaceful, loving herbivore from the Jurassic period we were taught about in school? Gone. No more. Oops – science spent 50 years of school text books telling us it was real and then, *poof* - it’s gone.

Poof – it’s gone? WTF? How can it be “gone?” First off – to us – it never existed, we simply take it on faith that it did. If the people who control what we read and see every day, who influence our lives on a minute by minute basis, can simply erase things overnight, then what else is gone? What else doesn’t exist that we don’t know once existed? Our children don’t know what a brontosaurus is, unless we’ve told them. And, their children will most certainly not know what it is. The dilemma is not necessarily the importance of the Brontosaurus itself (although the accuracy of science should be a factor we all take seriously), but rather, it is the point in which we determine what’s “important,” and what’s not. Is it important that there was a brontosaurus? Does it matter that it’s actually an Apatosaurus? While you may be telling yourself that something that lived that long ago is just not that important – remember – it is a memory you possess that was erased. Remember – that the people who shaped your lives, and are now shaping the lives of our children, mislead you. Maybe that Brontosaurus isn’t that “important,” but how much else have they “mislead,” you with – that is important? If people like Glenn Beck didn’t stand up and tell us the truth about what our most “beloved,” presidents really preached to us, would we know? Would we remember? And, yet – the information is right there in front of us. We have heard their speeches, and yet, we’ve heard nothing. I posted a blog back during Obama’s campaign that linked directly to his website, which he has now dramatically altered [of course], that detailed his intentions on health care reform and the public option. I posted links on his economic reform that HE, and his campaign crew, posted on the internet for all to see. These were statements on his intentions for America which he is now trying to implement and everyone is opposed to. People are claiming that he didn’t “turn out to be the President they expected.” Why? The information was right there in front of them. Some read it; some didn’t. Regardless of who read it, they still voted for him because they couldn’t see what was there even though they were looking right at it!

There is a belief that the civilizations of middle America that were first met by Christopher Columbus, could not see his boats approaching. It is believed by some, that because they could not comprehend or fathom the fact that things such ocean-bearing ships existed, in order to deal with it, their psyche blocked it out. There are those that say this is rubbish. And, yet, we have actual maps showing the world as flat, with water pouring off the edge into an empty abyss. At one point, the whole of humanity accepted the world was flat because they were told it was by the same Monarchy and leaders that abused their power over them. Until the last part of the 19^th century when Freud began his career, so-called, ‘psychologists,’ believed in lobotomizing people as a means to cure insanity and criminal behavior! It was a legally accepted pretense! Until 2 years ago, a State in America – the land of freedom – still contained a clause that made it legal to kill certain religious groups!? The people accepted it, because their leaders – the people they trusted to be in charge – said it was okay. And, yet, have things changed? Are our memories repaired? Are we no longer lead down the primrose path of self-delusion stemming from the falsification of our lives? Have we overcome the obstacle of altered memories and found the resolutions of peace that will affirm our existence with a resounding, unquestioned tone of facts? Do you remember looking around? Do you need me to really answer that question for you? In fact, it’s better if you seek out the answer on your own – because my perception is not yours. My history is shrouded in confusion and doubt and I have a long way to go in working that out.

Just remember this – we cannot dwell on this topic. We cannot live in the constant state of doubt which leads down a darkened path, for I too, have done this. Questioning faith, reality and existence to the point I wasn’t paying enough attention to my life allowed dark forces to break in and destroy it. But, if they had not, I would not have seen the truth; I would not have seen them for who and what they really are. I would not have begun to understand how it is that six different people in my family have different memories, at different times, of the same event. I would not have begun to understand how to “live,” and truly survive in our culture, weaving my way through the dark waters of misinformation that has plagued us to this very day. What did happen to the kitten over 20 years ago? That is a mystery that may remain unresolved, but it's one issue I can live with, for I enjoyed him while we had him, and have learned to love the animals in my life now even more than before. Hopefully, what can come from all of this is: you will not have to be a victim before you understand the truth of what’s happening. Perhaps, as an external influence upon your life, I can pass on my experiences, and you can learn the truth for yourself. Just like the child who doesn’t have to actually get burned to understand that touching the stove is painful, accepting the truth on faith from those who would not lie to them, you too can avoid getting burned and begin to question the truth about your past. Was it so bad? Was it so terrible? Is what you’re being told the truth? Which of your perceptions on reality today are governed by your own mind, and which are the culmination of lies?  How much of your past should you question, and how much can you simply shrug off? Many people live in a very depressed state because they remember negative events from their past, and while those events may be of such severity that their depression is well-justified, perhaps the opportunity to understand that their memories are not 100% accurate, because no one’s memory is, can offer some relief. Perhaps, rather than accepting what we’re told in political and media-driven forums (including this one), we will begin to seek the truth for ourselves, accept that everything we read is only a perception or interpretation of an event, and use our own psyche to form the resolve. Then, we can truly begin to form the greatest resolution of all time – life.